Drive By Baby Dumpers

Why must you insist that I hold your baby? Before I became a father I thought maybe it was because I didn’t have a baby of my own and maybe they mistakenly thought I would like to know what it’s like to hold a baby. They were wrong. I knew what it was like to hold a baby because of people like them dumping their baby on me. Maybe they just wanted to make 14 year old me feel uncomfortable, if so they were successful. Haha, look how uncomfortable he looks holding a baby! Sometimes I would refuse to hold their baby. I’d make an awkward joke or use the drink in my hand as excuse. “I mean really, you’re baby is very cute but I can see her better if you are holding her.” After a statement like that I’d wish I could continue it with “After all it is your baby isn’t it. Your responsibility, not mine so don’t dump your booger monster in my lap without asking.”

I thought maybe since I’d become a father this nonsense would stop. Unfortunately it hasn’t. People still walk up to me and hold their baby out in the air, as if I don’t grab the baby they will just fall to the floor. This leaves me no choice but to hold the baby. I thought we all learned from Michale Jackson’s example that dangling babies is not OK. But of course I just grab the baby and act as if I’m supremely excited to be holding it. It’s no better if you ask me first. What am I supposed to say “No, I really don’t want to hold your baby no matter how cute she is.” Or maybe I could just say “I prefer to just stand here and hold myself.” But that’s equally weird and more then a bit creepy.

Perhaps I lack some sort of emotional trigger in my brain. Women seem to universally have this. The moment they see a baby they run up and ask if they can just please hold it. Please please please! I will die if I can’t hold this baby! I promise I’ll wash my hands first! Look! I’ll sit down right here and you can put the baby in my lap and I will hold it and love it and pet it and sing sweet songs to it! Babies to most women are like pure crack rock to an addict. It’s become ingrained because women are naturally set up to be nurturing mothers. Men however are not natural baby mongers, so I don’t feel bad when I see your baby and think “I hope to God they don’t dump that baby in my lap”.

Now that I have a baby of my own I know what it’s like. Sometimes your arms are tired or you are just drained and need a break. That’s when you hand the baby off to your spouse (the only person you can safely do a drive-by baby dump on) or you sit down, suck it up and hold your own baby. Men know you don’t shove it on someone else, because plain and simple if they wanted to hold your baby they would ask. Men who do dump their baby on someone else have violated the code and will be punished in due time. Unless I come up to your baby holding my hands out asking you if I can hold them, please don’t offer. Does this make me a criminal? No. Does it make me a jerk? Maybe just a little bit. But you don’t have to be crushed when I don’t want to hold your baby. It doesn’t mean I think your baby is ugly, though it may very well be. I just don’t want to hold your baby. I just don’t want to hold your baby. I just don’t want to hold your baby. Yes your baby is sweet and innocent and cute and nice and magical and wonderful and a miracle and I don’t want to hold it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Princes and Princessesess’

Stop spoiling your child. You are ruining their chance for a normal life. They would come out better if you sent them to douche school.

Your daughter is not a princess, and your son is not a prince. The next person I see treating their son or daughter like royalty is going to get a visit from me. I’ll whip up a fake Child Protective Services badge, I will have a clipboard, and I will be watching you. From here on out your child will not have a name, only a symbol and be referred to as “the artist formally known as prince.” Listen to me. This is for your child’s own good you jackass. If you continue treating your child this way he or she will grow up to be a monumental jerk, and spend the rest of their life in failed relationships wondering why people don’t like them.

From here on out birthday parties with jumpy houses and Ferris wheels and clowns and donkeys will be a thing of the past. They will not be getting presents at other kids birthday parties simply because they can’t sit patiently while someone else opens a present. Every day cannot be their “special day”. The one day a year your daughter will be allowed to dress as a princess will be Halloween, not every other day like you secretly encourage her to do now so that you get compliments at the grocery store from other people about how sweet your daughter is because you need to fill and emotional hole in your own life you sick twisted freak.

Your son doesn’t get to have a new toy every time he doesn’t poop on the floor. Since when did standard expected behavior become something to be praised? You know your little prince is going to grow up expecting to get something for nothing, and he will be miserable for it, and so will everyone around him. Don’t lower the standard on your children and they will thank you for it later. My parents didn’t spoil me, and look, I am on the internet telling everyone else what to do so I turned out perfect.