Breaking News

March 31, 2011 § 3 Comments

SAN FRANCISCO – “Pandemonium” was the word 4th grader Brian Walker used to describe the scene at table 12 in the Jefferson Elementary cafeteria today. “Total and complete bullshit.” said classmate Sarah Gervis. The cafeteria was abuzz the second Allan Jensen opened his brown lunch bag and pulled out “The Sandwich”. The sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, had it’s center cut out, leaving only the crusts. “I almost barfed when I saw him pull it out of the bag” said Jenny Hemstein. “That’s worse then when my Mom got a job and my Dad had to pack my lunch. He made a cold hotdog sandwich with mustard.” said 3rd grader James Stevens, adding “I’d eat 10 of those before I’d touch an all crust sandwich like the one Allan’s Mom made him.”

Second grader Sandy Wilkins wondered “What he must have done to deserve this kind of hellfire raining down on him.” Asking “Doesn’t his mom love him?” After that 6th grader Rodney Sampson chimed in “That wench mom of his must be drugged out on meth to think he’d eat a sandwich with ONLY the crust left.” Allan, who had instinctively run and hid behind the boys bathroom said through watery eyes “Anger, frustration, and sadness are just a few of the emotions I’m feeling right now. I fear forgiveness is a long way off, if it ever comes.”

Mr. Dilker, a 5th grade teacher, watched though the blinds of his classroom window as Allan sat on the curb crying. “I can’t go out there and talk to him. There would be nothing to say. The memory of this crust only sandwich will haunt him. Parents do things like this, and they think I’m the problem. This kid will probably end up on the streets, panhandling and harassing shoppers.” Afterwards Mr. Dilker looked down at the floor and said he “Needed a drink.”

One child, Sean Williams, made the unfortunate decision to laugh at Allan when he saw the sandwich, which had been dropped on the floor, still in it’s zip-lock baggie. “What a loser!” yelled Sean, pointing at Allan. 5th grader James Ryder later recalled the incident “Me and a few other kids jumped Sean right away. He thought he could capitalize on Allan’s grief, using the sandwich as a stepping stone to work his way up the social ladder here at school. That was a major mistake. When something like this happens, it’s important we all stick together. None of us would wish an all crust sandwich on even our worst enemy.” Adding, “Sean will get his ass beat a few more times before the school year is over.”

As of this afternoon a group of 3rd graders was forming an opposition coalition and planning to stage a walk-out and make their way to Allan’s home and demand an answer. Julian Jacobs, the leader of the party said in a statement “We cannot let this action stand. If we sit idly by and do nothing, what sort of message does that send?” Adding “Whats next? Turd sandwiches and more of those ‘under 100 calorie’ excuses for a bag of cookies? No. This cannot be. I’ll not sit by and be spoon fed this garbage any longer. When Allan pulled that crust sandwich out of his bag we all tasted a little bit of his pain. I think it’s pretty clear by now that we don’t like crust on our sandwiches. Any caring mother knows this. I wonder if we shouldn’t see what Child Protective Services has to say about this.”

Allan’s mother, Sandy Jenson, was reached on the telephone and gave a quick statement saying “I did it to punish him for leaving his bike behind my car. I backed over it and the damn thing popped my tire. I was late to work and his father had to put the spare on. It may have been over the line, but he never learns, so I had to hit him where it hurts. And that’s when I got the idea for the sandwich.”

Back at the school, Jason Davis, latch-key kid and a member of the hastily put together opposition party said “We are going balls out on this one. You don’t back a cougar into a corner and not expect to get your ass handed to you. Sometimes you have to fight back. I didn’t get a close look, but I bet that bitch was made with wheat bread too. I’m going to personally see to it his Mom eats that sandwich herself.” Jason went on with a wandering, lost look on his face, describing what he would do to the sandwich maker: “What then Mrs. Jensen? You think it’s funny now? How hilarious is it now that our numbers are growing? See how foul that bread crust tastes? I bet you ate the inside of that sandwich too. How did it taste without the crust? Good, wasn’t it? Well that’s the exact kind of flavor we are looking for yet you continually deny us. And now you’ve gone too far with this ‘crust-only’ business. We will unite. We will bring the pain.” A group of angry students was beginning to form on the volleyball court blacktop, calling themselves the Sandwich Crusaders. The chant “Hey Hey! Ho Ho! This crust-ass sandwich got to go!” could be heard throughout the campus.

Nearby student and self described “video game enthusiast” John Hopper yelled “We will burn the Library down if necessary! The blood of traders will run slick in the street, and vengeance will be ours!” Students rushed to his side to calm him down saying “Violence isn’t the answer…yet.”

Stay tuned for more of what these school children are calling “The craziest thing since drunk principal Danner ran over Holly Johnson in the parking lot.”

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