Self Checkout I Hate You

March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

My local grocery store recently made some “improvements” by putting in a couple self checkout stands. They’d have us believe it’s for our own convenience but we all know the real reason is their bottom line. If they can eliminate some regular check stands and get us customers to do the work formerly done by employees, all the better. This is the same grocery store that makes their employees uncomfortably attempt to pronounce your last name and then asks you if you need help out to the car. I don’t need help carrying my chap stick and tomatoes to my car, I need more employees working check stands so the lines are shorter. I don’t care, get some of those ladies wasting away in the floral department to ring some people up.

Perhaps like so much hatred, mine comes from fear? Maybe I’m just afraid of the self checkout line. What do I do if I have coupons? How about if I have some obscure vegetable? Half of the time when I use these things it stops for no reason and says “Wait for assistance.” The one person they have manning the self checkout area is either helping the real housewives of douchebaggery load their car, or they are helping grandma pay with a check. Meanwhile I’m sitting here like an idiot with a line of rolling eyes forming behind me. Like they could do any better. Why don’t they just have a siren alert everyone to the fact that I can’t figure out the machine? Don’t judge me you bunch of mouth breathing self checkout enthusiasts! If a truly bad-ass Vatican warlock assassin like me can’t figure out these machines, nobody can. After a few seconds daydreaming about a savage attack on the checkout computer I start wishing I had just waited in the line for a real checker. Those lines are now much longer thanks to the new self checkout area, but they’re better then standing here publicly humiliating myself because the can of beans I’m buying confused the weight-check on the machine.

Maybe the reason I hate self checkout is because I just like ordering around the employees behind the checkout counter. “That’s the wrong price, why don’t you run along and get a price check? When you get back you can go ahead and get me some stamps. No, not the forever stamps, I want the regular ones, with the American flag. Stop stalling me fat boy come on!” No that’s not me. I like the checkers. Most of them are working hard to please their greasy haired managers. But I may turn into that monster if you keep making me do your work for you, pushing me to the point of no return. And this is just the first step. Whats next? stocking their shelves for them? Butchering your own meat? Shall I bake you some cookies too Safeway? And then buy my own cookies at an inflated price? You’d like that wouldn’t you? Making me your little errand boy. Whipping me in the back room if I don’t stack the Rice-a-Roni boxes just so! Well I’m not going to let that happen. I’ll take my buying power somewhere else you’ll see. Then you’ll beg me to come back. Give me my own personal checkout stand. Yes, that’s more like it.

I understand that self checkout is supposed to help the people with one or two items get out the door faster. Most of the time it does, and I’m sure they did studies to see if this benefited them before they implemented the plan, and it must. But I don’t feel like it’s benefiting me. Perhaps this is a sign that I am in fact getting older, like the ladies I make fun of for paying with checks. Maybe the teenagers of today enjoy the “freedom” of checking themselves out. But I don’t like it and this is my blog not Safeway’s so you will listen to what I have to say or you’ll go to your room without desert. Boom. Pow. How you like me now?

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