Daytime Television: A Cautionary Tale

February 16, 2011 § Leave a comment

The other day I was home early from work in the middle of the day and decided to turn on the television. Mistake. Within 10 minutes I was ready to off myself. Have you had this happen to you? If you haven’t seen daytime television in a while, do yourself a favor and don’t. Did you hear me? Don’t do it. You’ll slip into a depression where nobody can save you. Don’t even go into the same room as the TV. Go outside. Read a book. Stare at the wall. I turned it on and while I’m now a broken man, at least I’m here to tell you my story.

First came the commercials for some online university asking me for my money and I say to myself “I didn’t go to college. I’ve wasted my life and I’m such a loser. I probably can’t even get into DeVry.”

This isn’t making any sense. I’m happy with my life right?

The next thing I hear is someone tell me that I need to invest in gold and I say to myself “I have no money and I’ll never be successful and my family is going to hate me and then starve under a dirty freeway overpass.”

Wait a minute here, it’s not that bad is it?

Then came the ads for the elderly and their various products like scooters and life alerts and I say to myself “I’m going to get old one day and max out my credit card on some scooter and fall off of it and die because I couldn’t pay for my medical bills since I never went to DeVry!”

As if the commercials weren’t enough to make me want to jump to my death then the selection of shows definitely sent me over the edge. Manufactured outrage on cable news. Cartoons for adults. MTV’s new show “Parents Suck: Have An Ill-Advised Pregnancy”. Cooking with vapid morons. Judge Joe Brown or whoever the hell. Jerry Springer, who’s show was funny when I was a teenager but now makes me feel hollow inside. Then I begin to weep for humanity.

Should I change the channel to see whats next? I see a commercial for “The Clapper” and the voices become louder, screaming now: “What the hell are you doing with your life? You’re such a loser! You’ll never be good!” I realize I’m in a trance and I need to get out of here. “You’re poor at managing your money and you’re going to get old and have a scooter and watch Judge Judy on TV and die alone without any gold!”

My mind is racing now and my thoughts unclear. I reach for the remote-

and hit the power switch to save my life. My mind had been taken hostage. Mere seconds away from turning vegetable. Moral of the story: too much leisure time can be bad. Don’t fill it watching daytime television. It’s depressing. It’s soul sucking. Go take a walk in the rain.

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